I felt some jolts while sleeping one night, and woke up at once to find my sister getting up as well. The source of the tremors was the speed-breaker near our house, over which a truck had passed with considerable speed. My dream was halted and the vision my subconscious had created came to a stop.
Wikipedia says that Speed breakers are a class of traffic calming devices that use vertical deflection to slow motor-vehicle traffic in order to improve safety conditions.
After the long arduous dream that morning when I was woken up, I typed these words out in my notebook:
“Every human is sacred.”
Every. Human. Is. Sacred.
People are susceptible to failing in day-to-day life, yet their bodies wake up in the morning and continue to carry on. We take a step. And then another. One step becomes two. The earth completes a rotation.
As time moves forward, we move along with it in a direction, making choices. We have that ability - the ability to make a choice.
My last episode of Psychosis, few months ago, was a long painful one where little was left to choice as a different reality was manifested by my brain. It seemed like a suspension in space and time.
It was only broken up by the aid of medicines, food, sleep, and care.
I couldn’t put on a smile throughout the episode. It seemed to me that I didn’t deserve to smile. That if I smiled that would be evil. I was reeling in guilt and shame for existing, which my brain tricked me into believing was truly my fault. I wept into the ears of the elephant on the bed-sheet. I felt I didn’t deserve to eat. That if I ingested more than two drops of water, I would die.
I asked for grace. From people around me, and also God at large. It’s interesting that during the episode my faith in some universal power beyond me was heightened. I spoke to my Nani about God and started trying to read Gita. However reading anything with any semblance of sense-making wasn’t within my capacity at that moment.
It was exhausting to be acquainted with a manifested world within the confines of reality, or what we consider our reality. It was as if I became a fast moving planetary body which has lost control of it’s speed.
So truly, thank god for speed-breakers.